Mental Doodle...

Just in time for M.O.TH.E.R's day...

2010-04-20T10:06:00.000-07:00

I got the day off because my boss brought his family to work. It wasn't because they were going to do all of the work and didn't need me there. They let me go home because they are all nudists on Thursdays and said "all textiles must leave!". You would think that would have a negative impact on sales, but it didn't.

As I was heading home, I noticed a man had set up a booth on the street corner. It looked like he was selling mother's day cards. My mom is cool, so I decided to see if I could find any cards that she would like.

"Hello friend!" he said to me.
"Hi." I said back to him.
"Are you a son of mother?" he asked me.
"Uh...I guess so." I respondified.

He held up a sign that said "Long live M.O.TH.E.R.!" Okay...curiosity piqued.

"What does that stand for?" I asked.
"Why, that's M.O.TH.E.R.! I thought you said you were a son of M.O.TH.E.R.!"
"I thought you were asking if I had a mother. I wanted to buy a mothe--"
"Silence! I shall now explain to you the M.O.TH.E.R.!"
"Couldn't this wa--"

"The Magisterial Order (of) TH(e) Eminent Reign began humbly in the basement apartment of what some have called 'the greatest mind of our time. Since then it has grown to include others! Friend...would you like to come to a meeting?"
"No."
"Excellent!"

With that, I had a burlap sack thrust over my head as I was pulled into the back of a van. We sped away into the afternoon.

When they took the bag off my head, I noticed they also took most of my clothes. I was handed a bath robe and bunny slippers.

"Those who enter must don the garb of M.O.TH.E.R." a burly man said to me.

I put on the robe and slippers and was led into a room lit only by candles, lava lamps, Winnie the Pooh nightlights and a TV that was playing a loop of cereal commercials. There was a table in the middle with a large, dusty book on it. Next to the book was a quill pen and a small jar of ink.

"Sign the guest book, dear." said the burly man. I did sign the guest book. They led me towards another room, where I heard a low drone. When they opened the door, I saw perhaps fifteen to twenty men kneeling in front of a Laz-e-boy recliner set up on cinder blocks. They were chanting in unison.

"Rubber baby buggy bumpers! Rubber baby buggy bumpers! Rubber baby buggy bumpers!"

As they continued to chant, they got louder and louder. It was getting very intense in the room. Yet, the smell of lavender on the plush terrycloth robe I was wearing put me at ease and reminded me of a summer day.

Soon, as the chanting was nearing it's peak of energy, a woman in a Turkish hooded shawl came and lifted her hands.

"It's Mother! Mother wishes to speak!" said the burly man. It instantly became quiet.
"Thank you, dear." said Mother. "Today, we have some new rules that we have implemented. I want you all to pay attention to them."

The room became deathly still. The burly man sat down. He motioned for me to sit as well. "Crisscross applesauce" he informed me.

Mother spoke. "Okay, first of all, let me say how wonderful you have all done with your cards! Sales were up 30% from last week! Except for Frank. His sales went down. So, I'm sorry Frank, but no TV for a week."
"Aw nuts" Frank muttered to himself.
"Now, I have been hearing rumors that some want to leave M.O.TH.E.R. and get an apartment in the city. I would just like to respond to that by saying, you are breaking M.O.TH.E.R.'s heart and we will hear none of it!" She wiped away a tear. So did the burly man.

The meeting went on for awhile longer. During the meeting it was agreed that one hour was enough time for video games, Mother would retain control of the remote, and ice cream was healthy and should be eaten with every meal.

At the end of the meeting it was announced that there was a birthday to celebrate. Mother brought out cupcakes. There was talk of birthday spankings, but Mother said no. She didn't want any rough housing either.

After the cupcakes were finished and the dishes put away, the burlap sack was put over my head again and I was thrown back into the van.

When I got back to my apartment, I built a car that you can drive with your mind.

Moving right along...

2010-03-26T09:56:00.000-07:00

The comics will no longer be updated on this site. I have moved them to Tumblr, because I'm hip.

http://michaelmcmullen.tumblr.com

The short stories will probably remain here.

Lucid...

2010-03-22T20:32:00.000-07:00

I may have misused the term "existentialist" here. If I did, just convince yourself that the reality you're perceiving is an illusion.

Caffeine!...

2010-03-21T19:49:00.000-07:00

What I Know Now...

2010-03-20T14:26:00.001-07:00

Two fisted Plinko expert...

2010-03-11T16:55:00.000-08:00

"She'll be right with you." the receptionist said. I was there for my first job interview in several years. I haven't lost my current job, but the boss keeps talking about moving (or "being relocated...shhhhhh" as he puts it). Since I don't want to take over the business of selling obsolete computer manuals, I decided I had better get cracking on the job search.

The first thing I noticed about the place was it's complete lack of macabre artifacts of the Visigoths. My boss had been trying to find his "voice" with the interior design of our building. The second thing I noticed was how quiet the office seemed without sporadic crying.

The Human Resources lady came out and introduced herself. "Hi, I'm Pam."
"Hi Pam." I said, shaking her hand. She hadn't extended it yet, so my reach to grab it was a bit awkward. I was trying to be proactive, and I think that came across.

We walked to a conference room in the back. It had one of those long tables with a bunch of chairs around it. The kind you see in movies where bad things are told to the President and he's all like "kill the Russians!" and the other dude is like "but think of the Russians!" and he's all like "Kill!" and stuff.

"Take a seat" she said, pointing to the chairs. I started for the one at the end. "My first test is to see which seat the person picks." I couldn't tell if she was joking, so now I was very conscious of my decision. If I take the seat at the head of the table, she might thing I'm an insurrectionist. If I take a seat way at the end, she might think I lack confidence. If I sit in her lap, the interview will be over before it starts. I sat on the floor.

"Um. Why don't you sit here." she said, pointing to a seat across from her.
"Of course! I will do whatever you want, Pam!" showing the ability to take directions...check.

Two other people, James and Ed, both supervisors, came in. We chatted for a while and then the interview started.

To say it was successful would be an overstatement. And a complete lie. By the end of the interview, James had left, Ed was pouting under the table and Pam quit the company. I asked Ed when he thought I might hear back. He said in about a week and went back to sucking his thumbs.

I was thinking about going for a walk downtown, but the annual Goat Herding Festival was going on. I didn't feel like being around that many people. I was starting to feel a little bummed out.

Would I ever have another job? Would my dream of being a professional bohemian ever become a reality? I decided to go home and watch a couple of movies while I proved the existence of one-way functions.

Interview...

2010-03-11T16:45:00.001-08:00

Do over...

2010-03-06T17:06:00.001-08:00

Birthday suit...

2010-02-28T13:39:00.000-08:00

Workout...

2010-02-25T23:59:00.000-08:00

Popcorn!...

2010-02-25T23:24:00.000-08:00

He'll never hear the end of it...

2010-02-19T22:01:00.000-08:00

Marv...

2010-02-15T21:13:00.001-08:00

Bats!

2010-02-06T00:41:00.000-08:00

I got this idea from Tyson Habein. Credit where credit is due and all that.

GPS...

2010-02-03T09:13:00.001-08:00

Newb...

2010-01-20T15:46:00.001-08:00

Honey roasted peanuts and other fables...

2010-01-17T12:57:00.000-08:00

It was the weekend so I decided to take a walk downtown. I needed to get some more food for my goldfish Larry the Fish. My cat, Edward the Fish, also needed food and he was giving Larry the stink eye.

While I was leaving the pet food store I bumped in to Peter.

"Hey Peter!"
"Hey there! What are you doing today?"

I'm never sure how to answer that question. Are they wanting to know so they know if they can invite me somewhere? Are they genuinely curious about my activities during this particular 24 hour period? Are they gathering information for a case they're building against me?

"Well, I'm gonna go feed my fish and my cat. Then, I'm going to try and write down some notes on a book idea I have. Then I'm going to think about making dinner. Then I'm going to make dinner. Then I'm going to eat dinner. Then after that I'm free, but I was thinking about watching a movie or something. But I'm not sure if I'm going to watch a movie or read a book. I might go to bed early tonight. But then I don't know if I'll be tired, what with all the soda I plan on drinking with my dinner."

That's how I answer that question. I figure if I give them my whole itinerary, leaving out no detail, they can best decide how to use the information.

"Uh-huh. Hey, do you remember Jason?"
"Jason? From high school?"
"No. We didn't go to the same high-school."
"Oh, that's right. Um. Jason from the tire factory?"
"I...we didn't work together at a tire factory. How many Jason's do you know?"
"A lot. I can't swing a dead cat without hitting some dude named Jason."

He looked disgusted at that comment. Little did he know I once found this to be literally true during an incident at summer camp when I was nine.

"Anyway. I'm talking about Jason from the book store."
"Ohhhhhhhh! You mean Jason."
"...Yes. Yes, I mean Jason."
"Okay, because I was confused. What about him?"
"He's dead now."
"Oh. That's...that's rather sad."
"I know, right? But before he died, he left the book store to me."
"Sweet!"
"I know, right!? How cool is that?"

We talked for a while about his plans with the bookstore. He was planning on expanding the 'rare' and 'hardly-read' section. He also wanted to devote an entire section of the store to Ugandan crime fiction. It was a niche genre that he discovered in college and new literally tens of people around the world that shared his passion for it.

Peter had to run, and I needed to get home before Edward ate Larry, or vice versa.

Heading home, I ran into Jason. Not that one, another one.

"Hey Jason from the bookstore!" Not that bookstore, another one.
"Hey man! What are you doing today?"
"Not much." I didn't have the energy.
"Cool. Hey! I have a question for you. Do you remember that one girl I dated? The one with the blue-green hair? She always wore purple contacts and pajamas."
"Oh! The CPA."
"Yes! Nice girl right?"
"Didn't she try to stab you?"
"That was a misunderstanding. Now, do you remember the pet cat I had in ninth grade?"
"You're that Jason?"
"What?"
"Never mind. Yes. Didn't he try to stab you?"
"That was a misunderstanding. Nice cat, right?"
"I suppose."
"So. Nice girl, nice cat but they were............."
"Crazy?"
"Exactly! I think I attract crazy. I'm like some kind of black hole or something. Like, normal comes towards me...but then gets sucked into the crazy and the normal...I...which one is the black hole again?"
"I think you lost your analogy."
"No no. It works, I just can't remember...it's not important. Here my plan. See that guy over there?"
"The one with no pants and a duck on a leash?"
"Yes. I'm going to go see what happens when I talk to him."

This was a bad idea.

"That's a bad idea, Jason."
"No, it's fine. Watch. If my theory is right, I should be able to make him normal."
"I don't think that was your theory at all. In fact..."
"Just watch, man. This will be awesome!"

Jason walked over to talk to the pantsless man. It was going fine until the duck bit him. Then Jason bit the duck. Then the guy bit Jason. Then the duck bit...well, it turned into a whole big mess and the police eventually had to get involved. I didn't stick around to see how it all played out.

Instead I went home and built a super-computer that solved the worlds energy crisis.

PUNdit...

2010-01-04T14:20:00.001-08:00

Punchline...

2009-12-31T16:31:00.001-08:00

And now for something...

2009-12-30T11:10:00.000-08:00

"This must be what it feels like to watch someone die." he said as she drove away. I put my hand on his shoulder. It was sticky. I didn't want to pull my hand away and ruin the moment, and I definitely did not want to know what it was. So I just rested my hand there and mentally bought stock in hand sanitizer. That's how the stock market works, right?

I digress. I tried to comfort him the best way I knew how.

"I mean, it's not like she has intestinal parasites or anything. She's not really dead." I think that worked.
"No. Not her. Me." he sat down on the couch. I also sat down on the couch. Not because I wanted to, but because my hand was still momentarily stuck to his shoulder. Fortunately, it freed itself as I was sitting down. Otherwise, I would have ended up sitting on his lap and I think that would have sent the wrong signals.

"You have to move on, man." I said to him. I went to pat him on the shoulder again, but decided not to. I awkwardly patted him on the head instead. There was a slight pause while we both cleared our throats and moved slightly away from each other.

"I know." he said.
"There are plenty of opportunities to meet someone else."
He looked out the window for a moment. "No." he said finally.
"What?"
"No. I don't want to meet anyone else."
"Why not?"
"Look, man. I just went through three weeks of the absolute worse pain I have ever felt. I didn't think it was possible for a man to feel like that and survive. So..."
I looked at him for a couple of minutes. "So...what then?"
"I'm going to become..."
"Don't say it." I thought to myself.
"...a monk!"
"Crap weasels." I thought I had thought to myself, but indeed I said it out loud.
"Crap...wha--"
"Never mind. The point is, what are you talking about?"
"Stay right here, I'll be right back."

He went into the other room. I briefly thought about leaving, but then realized my feet were stuck to the floor. He came back into the room. He had changed clothes.
"Are you wearing your Halloween costume from when you went as Luke Skywalker?"
"Only the outer robe. And no, it's my monk robe now. I'm a monk."

I would have put my hand to my face, except it was stuck to the couch.

"You can't just...that's not...take that off!"
"I'm naked under here. That's the monk way."
"That's...you're...I...you..."

He came over and sat on the floor in front of me. He grabbed a book from the coffee table and started reading.

"What are you doing now?"
"I'm reading. It's a monk thing."
"You're reading The Dark Knight Returns. That's hardly monkish reading."
"Shhh...it has pathos. That means it qualifies."

I was finally able to get my feet unstuck from the floor. I did this by trying to kick him in the head. I missed because I'm uncoordinated. After picking myself up off the floor, I decided to leave.

"You are not a monk. You're just...confused. Take a few days. Go see a movie. Go buy shredded wheat." That's what my mom told me to do when our dog died.
"No! I am a monk! My name is Gerald The Monk."
"That's not how..."
"Saint Gerald The Monk!" he said pointing to the sky dramatically.
"Okay, first of all...you can't saint yourself. Secondly, you don't capitalize the 'The'."
"The will once they start writing bards about me."
"You don't write bards! Bards are the guys who...never mind! This is ridiculous. You need to get out of your house."
"My monkly code does not permit me to leave my house."

He held up a napkin that had three things written on it.

"1) Don't leave the house. 2) Water the plants. 3) Catch up on Saved By the Bell reruns. You've seen every episode."
"But have I really seen them?"
"...................................................................................I have to go."

I left. The last I heard, he was still "monking it up". He even made some income from his homemade breads and muffins. We never really talked after that.

After I left, I called work to see if they needed me. My boss said something about "the apple turnover incident" and that he couldn't have any visitors for a while.

I went home and built a better mousetrap.

This has not been submitted, we don't care if you approve...

2009-12-21T00:24:00.000-08:00

Check it.

How to not be Gary...

2009-12-18T12:16:00.000-08:00

My boss was on vacation for three weeks. He told me all I needed to do was make sure none of the inventory got stolen while he was gone. I told him that the inventory got stolen as soon as he left town because he left a sign in the window that said "Hey fellas, I'm not going to be here...nor is anyone else...for three whole weeks! Bye-bye." I also explained that leaving the doors wide open was probably not the best of ideas. It didn't matter. Whoever stole the inventory brought it back the next day. They put it all back on the shelves and even left some cookies.

With my schedule clear, I decided to go grocery shopping. I like the grocery store. It's got food, and stuff. I like food.

While I was walking down the canned goods aisle, I came across Winston. I knew Winston from school. Back then he was known as "Awesome Ed!". We called him this because we didn't know his name was Winston until the graduation ceremony.

"Hey Winston, how's it going?"
"I'm trying to decide which tuna to buy."

He was holding a can of tuna in one hand, and a Steven Seagal movie in the other.

"Um...you know only one of those is tuna, right?"
"Do you like cucumbers?"
"...sure?"
"Water it is then! Thanks buddy!"

I went over to the produce section. There was a lovely young lady standing over by the cabbage. I thought I'd try some techniques I learned in the book "How to Get Women to Not Be Creeped Out By You!"

"Hey there." I said, reaching for a cabbage. "I like baseball, but not in a dysfunctional way." I then smiled and gave a thumbs up.

She left after throwing a bok choy at me. That wasn't so bad. The last lady I tried it on tried to stab me with a carrot. It was really cute.

I decided to get some ice cream to help lift my spirits. Winston was in the freezer aisle, looking forlorn. I picked out my ice cream. One of cookies 'n cream, one of cake ice cream, and one of rocky road...it was going to be a long night. Especially since I'm lactose intolerant.

"Gelato confuses me." Winston said. I'm not entirely sure he knew I was standing there.

I went to the check out. I tried one more line from the book on the cashier.

"I do not consider bowling to be a metaphor for mother/son relationships." I said it while giving a smile and thumbs up. Still no date, but I did get a discount on the cake ice cream and a warm pat on the shoulder.

I went home and built a guitar that never goes out of tune.

Dylan man...

2009-12-17T18:08:00.001-08:00

Blue suede jeans...

2009-12-13T21:00:00.000-08:00

I didn't even bother showing up at work today. I just looked out the window and saw smoke rising from the general vicinity, and lots of firetrucks rushing to that area. I trusted my boss was somehow involved*.

Instead, I sat down to compose the novel I had been thinking about for the last twenty minutes. Once I was done writing it, I sent it off to my publisher. They said it lacked "characters", a "plot", and they thought the one chapter written backwards was "an indication of mental dysfunction, possibly in need of medication or immediate counseling". I decided to not let my spirits get down and headed out the door.

I ran into Steve. Steve was a nice guy.

"Hey Steve."
"Call me Jed, idiot!"

Steve was a nice guy. Then he had what has been described as the "single most perplexing accident ever recorded" at the water treatment plant where he used to work. A lot of the details are fuzzy, and some of them are still classified, but Ste...er...Jed just says "I zigged when I should have zagged." Anyway, the point is, after the accident St...Jed here has really awkward and spectacular mood swings. For instance, the very next moment after giving me his "proper" name he began crying on my shoulder. I patted his back and he started laughing really hard...then he kicked me in the shin. I took a step back to try and start the conversation over.

"Okay, Jed. How has your day been?"
"That's what she said!"

He does this, too. He tries to make these jokes, but never pulls it off (that's what she...I digress).

"Um. Jed. Would you like to go and get something to eat?"
"That's what I said! And yes."
"Fine. Let's go down to that little coffee shop around the corner. I need something hot."
"That's what!"

We walked down to the coffee shop. Jed stopped outside the door. He said he wasn't sure if they would let his cat in. He then began to stroke an invisible cat. It might have actually been a pygmy goat, but he insisted it was a cat. I informed him that Mr. Shnookums could stay out here as I highly doubted anyone would steal him. I also told him that the cat (??) wouldn't run away as it obviously loved him so much. Jed started to cry again and then punched me in the kidneys.

After our scones, hot chocolate and ER visit I walked with Jed down to the library. I had no intentions of actually going to the library, nor spending anymore time with Jed. However, he did lasso me with his belt and was now leading me around town. I was finally able to chew through the leather and run away. I heard him send Mr. Schnookums after me, but I think I was able to lose him in the alley behind the convenience store.

I went home and built a particle accelerator out of two soda cans and an iTunes gift card.

*It turns out that my boss had tried to make a funeral pyre out of newspapers and popsicle sticks. Nobody ever asked what it was for, or why he was dressed like a pumpkin.

Exquisite Corpse Vol. 1...

2009-12-11T10:36:00.000-08:00

I am a fan of the surrealist technique/game "Exquisite Corpse". Here is a story written in that style. It is presented without breaks where each person took their turn, only as a cohesive whole.

As the sun set over the desert plains, Jeremiah looked across the horizon. The great columns of smoke beckoned him. He knew the Apache were there waiting...preparing. He jumped on the Arabian horse recently purchased from Said, the used horse salesman/tailor. He also put on his hat, made from the hide of a camel. It seemed that the Bedouin had joined in on the party. He decided he would wear his sparkle shoes and black trousers. This was a most confusing situation for Jeremiah. He didn't know what trousers were but he sure liked the briefcase! This had been the best Tuesday ever!

Discovery!

2009-12-06T18:24:00.001-08:00

Positive!...

2009-12-04T12:58:00.001-08:00

West Side Crier...

2009-12-01T21:39:00.001-08:00

What goes around, isn't square...

2009-11-25T09:10:00.000-08:00

My boss called me in early today. When I got there, he said he thought he was ordering a pizza.

"But you said 'hey, come in to work early today."
"Yes, but what I meant to say was 'hey, I would like a large pepperoni.'"

Regardless, I got the day off since he said he would be fumigating his socks and didn't really need my help for that.

I thought about heading down to the the laundromat to watch clothes spin around in the dryer (it's very soothing) but instead I decided to just take a walk around town.

On my walk, I found a new store had opened and decided to step in and see what it was selling. An old hippy named Sunrise Sparkle came out to greet me. I know him from an encounter we had on the bus.

"Hey man, like, do you ever think about, like, how your big toe is, like, a thumb on your foot?"
"Uh...no. No, I haven't thought about that."
"Man, like, can I see your big toe? I'll show you mine first."

He did, and we were both asked to not only get off the bus, but to never ride the #45 between the hours of 8:00 AM and 4:30 PM ever again.

I wasn't sure if he would recognize me.

"Hey! It's Toe Man!"

He did.

"Please don't call me 'Toe Man'."
"Fair enough. I respect you for who you are, man. Do you like my store, man?"

I looked around. It was nice enough. It had shelves...which were completely empty.

"Where is your inventory? What do you sell here?"
"Man, I am no capitalist pig. I don't 'sell' anything. This is an 'experience'."
"'Experience'? What am I supposed to experience?"
"Just the vibe, man!"

He turned on an old record of sitar music and put on a hat shaped like a duck. I decided this was the time to leave. I walked out the door...and stopped dead in my tracks.

There she was. I had seen her before at my favorite coffee shop. She had the most spectacular green eyes and a smile that could power Denver. She was smart enough to probably figure out how to power a city with a smile, too.

She started walking over to me. I panicked because I wasn't sure what to say. 'Hi.' lacked punch while 'OMG you'resocute!' seemed juvenile. I decided to stick with something in the middle.

"Hello lady, nice lady from the place with the coffee!"
"Aww...that's a cute Jerry Lewis impression."

Score! She thought I was cute instead of an idiot. That made me immediately question her ability to discern between the two, but if it always worked in my favor, I was going to run with it. We ended up talking for a little while. That little while turned into a long while. That long while turned into early evening. She said she had to go home and feed her cat. I said I had to go home and genetically engineer popcorn so it wouldn't have those bits that get stuck in your teeth.

She got up to leave.

"Hey." I said. What was I doing? What the crap was I doing? "Would you like to go out for dinner sometime?"
"Sure."
What did she just say? I had to clarify her answer.
"Use your mouth words!"
She looked at me for a second. She hadn't left yet, so I was thinking she still saw me on the 'cute' end of the spectrum.
"I said 'sure'. As in...I would like to go out to dinner sometime. I assume you meant, with you."
"Oh! Yeah, that's totally what I meant. I did mean that. Dinner. With me. Sometime. Out. To. You. ...would. ...like. ...for."

Normally this is where the awkward pause would be. But she just smiled that smile and walked home.

I also walked home. I did finish my popcorn mutation, and in the process also made a cheese that won't melt. I ended the day dancing the Mashed Potato wearing a hat shaped like a duck.

Your mom...

2009-11-15T23:31:00.000-08:00

World Tour...

2009-11-08T16:10:00.001-08:00

Flirt...

2009-11-02T16:03:00.001-08:00

MoMA...

2009-10-29T23:24:00.000-07:00

Only on a Tuesday...

2009-10-27T15:09:00.000-07:00

I showed up for work yesterday. I fully expected to be sent home, like I usually am, but the boss actually needed me. We only had two customers, so it's not like I really did anything. The boss would eventually come in and ask "how about now?" I was never sure what he was referring to exactly. When I inquired directly he would lower his head and say "Romans...it's the Romans" and then walk back to his office.

After work I decided to go clothes shopping. I needed a hooded sweatshirt and some socks. I got to the store and looked around. I found one hoodie with a really cool design on it. The zipper was on the left side though. That's usually typical of women's clothes, so I asked the guy at the counter about it.

"Oh, it's just a manufacturing mistake. 25% off."

Sounded like a good deal. I didn't mind the zipper issue, since that was pretty stupid to get nit picky about. Who would care? I didn't care. I liked the design. I put it on as I was leaving the store. Two other guys were walking in.

"Girls coat!" one of them yelled.
"That's mature." I said. "It's not a girls coat."
"Whatever. Girl. You're a girl."
"I'm not a girl. What are you, five?"

He paused. He had to think about it for a second. The other guy fell over. Not laughing, or because he tripped. He just...fell over.

"No!" the man finally shot back. "I'm this many!" He held up his shoe. At first I assumed he meant his age was the same as his shoe size. That didn't work in his favor though, as he wore a size 12. Of course, that may have been exactly what he meant.

"Listen, I don't care anymore. You can think whatever you want. I'm going to walk home, nice and warm in my new coat."
"Yeah? Well..." he stopped talking and looked at the sky for a long time. The other guy had inexplicably set his pants on fire. I left while they tried to sort that out.

On my way home, I ran into an old friend from college. Back then I had a little crush on her. Now that we were older and more mature, I had a major crush on her. There was just one problem. I couldn't speak to her. I mean, I could talk around her...but it always ended up, well, you'll see.

She saw me and ran over. "Hi!" she said.

"I like to make smiley faces on the computer!"

She stood there for a second. "Sorry?"
"I mean...hi."
I thought I had held out my hand for her to shake, but apparently I held up my shoe.
"Nice, um, shoe."
"Thank you. I made it out of taffy." What the hell was I saying!
"That's...Well, I have to go now."
"Hey! Do you like coffee?"
"Yeah." she said, smiling that incredibly cute half smile of hers that made my eyes dance the merengue.
"Good."

We both stood there for what seemed like a very long time.

"This isn't a girls coat!" I shouted. I actually did shout it. Like, people across the street paused and looked over at us.
"Okay." she said. She had the look of someone who wanted to get away from their current situation as quickly as possible.
"Bye." I said, waving my shoe.
"Um..." she said, as she slowly turned around and walked in the opposite direction.

I went home. I had planned to invent a light bulb that ran on caffeine, but decided to just bang my head against the wall for several minutes until I either fell asleep or knocked myself unconscious. The rest of the evening is kind of fuzzy.

Once upon a time in space...

2009-10-21T09:25:00.000-07:00

The call came at about six o'clock the Tuesday. It went something like this...

"Hey! Can you come babysit?"
"I...you aren't going to try and leave the country, are you?"
"....no?"
"Okay then."

So, I was scheduled to babysit the next night. I didn't have to work that day as the boss decided to close up early. I tried to ask why but he just screamed "It was only a cookie!" and then walked away. I decided not to press the matter. I would go shopping instead.

I was on my way to the store when I got pulled over by a cop. He walked up to the car.

"Can I see your license and registration?"
I handed him two sticks of gum and my library card. I had a theory about this guy.
"Sir, do you realize you just handed me two sticks of gum and your CPA license?"

Theory confirmed.

"Sorry officer, here ya go." I took back the library card and handed him a piece of paper with "driver's license" written on it. I also wrote "Me" with an arrow pointing to a stick figure wearing a top hat.

"That's better. Stay right here." He went back to his car.

Twenty minutes later, he came back. He handed me my "license", three sticks of gum and his gun. I asked him if he would need the gun.

"No. They have, like, a ton of those back at the station."
"Fair enough."
"Now, do you know why I pulled you over?"
"Was I speeding?"
"No."
"Did I make any illegal turns."
"No."
"Were you bored?"
"N....maybe."
"So, I can go now, right?"
"Not so fast."

I waited for him to say something. He kept looking at me like he was going to say something. I looked at him. He looked at me. I waited. He looked. This went on for a while.

"So....can I go?"
"Dude, you wanna catch a movie or something? This town is, like, dead."

He was exaggerating. Only half the town was dead, but they had come back as zombie vampires and took all the call center jobs. Nobody really complained.

"Yeah, ya know, I'm good. I'm heading out to babysit my friends kids."
"Oh, sweet! Can I tag along?"
"I don't think..."
"Great!" he said. He came over to the passenger side of the car and hopped in.
"What about your car?" I asked him. He turned and looked at it for a second.
"Oh, it's okay. Those things are hard to drive. Besides, they have, like, a ton of them back at the station."

When we arrived at my friends house, they had some obvious questions about my guest. Well, the mom had obvious questions. Dad asked if he could wear the handcuffs and then pouted when he found out we didn't bring the "woo woo car".

After my friends left, and after I made sure they weren't hiding any luggage in their car, we all settled in for a fun evening.

We decided to watch a movie. By "we", I mean the kids and I. The police officer had locked himself in the broom closet. My friends came home after all the kids went to bed. I left for home.

They called the next morning to ask why the police officer was in the broom closet. I told them not to worry, and they should just call the station. The station came out to get him (apparently, with some reservation).

All in all it was a nice day. I even had time to finish translating The Iliad into Pig Latin.

Favorite color...

2009-10-18T21:04:00.000-07:00

It was a tough decision. I had a lot of applications to sort through.

Skips a generation...

2009-10-16T12:49:00.001-07:00

It should probably say "...as I am", but I don't care.

A dark and stormy night...

2009-09-30T12:40:00.000-07:00

So, me and my pet turtle, Eduardo, headed out to see the dentist. Despite the title of the entry here, it was neither dark nor stormy. Nor night. It was a sunny, calm, mid afternoon. I got the day off work because my boss needed to get stitches in his arm, and leg. And head. And pinkie toe. He had a run-in with a wild turkey. He didn't give a lot of details and had been crying when they took him to the hospital.

This worked out perfectly, since I needed to go see the dentist. I took Eduardo with me for company, and to have something I could throw at the hygienist if necessary. I don't think she likes me.

On my way to the dentists office, I ran into an old friend of mine. By "friend of mine" I mean "person who's existence I tolerate as a kind gesture towards the fact that he is a fellow human". His name is Paul, or Frank, or something like that.

"Hey man!" he said.
"Um..." I said back.
"That's great! You want to go meet my uncle? He just got in from that other country he lives in!"
"I--no." I said. I was going to try to lie, but that always makes me feel bad. And I'd much rather hurt this jokers feelings than my own.
"Cool! Let's go!"

He grabbed my arm and threw me in the back of his van. I'm pretty sure that I had just been kidnapped. Not like this sort of thing hasn't happened before. It was pretty much how things went my sophomore year in college.

He had a nice enough van. Leather seats, gardening tools. A muzzle. It also appeared to have sound proofing done to it. Wonder how much that cost.

It wasn't a very long trip before we got to his uncles place. See, up on the hill overlooking the city is a dark, mysterious castle which always seems to have dark clouds hovering above it. His uncle lived in a little Tudor place just down the street from that. You'd recognize it by the pink flamingos in the front yard. I think they're tacky, but to each his own I guess.

Paul-Frank pulled me out of the van. "Now, you won't, like, scream or anything...right?" he asked me.
"No." I said.
"Good." he threw the muzzle back in the van and shut the door.

We walked up to the house. Eduardo seemed a little nervous. I think it was the flamingos. A tall man in a long, dark coat greeted us at the door.

"This is my uncle, Dr. Peter Von Hefeweizenstein III, Jr."
"Hello." I said, waving. Eduardo ran back to the van. Well, "ran" back to the van. He is a turtle after all.
"Greeeeeeeettttttttiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnggggggggssssssss." Dr. Von Hefeweizenstein said.
"Um. Not to be rude and all, but are you going to drag all your words out like that? 'Cause...'cause that's just crazy."

Dr. Von Hefeweizenstein looked at Paul-Frank. Paul-Frank looked at me. I looked at the nearest flamingo, who was looking at Eduardo, who was hiding underneath the van. I was just about to join him when Dr. Von Hefeweizenstein grabbed my arm.

"He is perfect!" Dr. Von Hefeweizenstein exclaimed.
"Ya know, you guys could just ask me to follow you around. You don't have to grab my arm all the time."

At that moment, I felt a tiny poke in the back of my neck. I turned to see Paul-Frank pulling out a hypodermic needle.

"Shall we, uncle?"
"We shall indeed!"

I had passed out immediately after that, but I imagine them laughing maniacally.

I woke up strapped to a chair. It was not dissimilar to a dentists chair. I wondered if maybe I had dreamed the whole thing. Paul-Frank was standing over me, which blew that theory.

"He's awake uncle!"
"Good. Put on the Transmagnifeweizen device!" Dr. Von Hefeweizenstein said. I bet he had that term copyrighted.

Paul-Frank put a cap on my head. It had several wires sticking out of it. They all ran to what looked like a cereal box with lots of blinking lights on it. Dr. Von Hefeweizenstein reached for the cereal box and flipped a big red switch on the side.

"I'm excited uncle!"
"As am I Conrad!"
"Conrad! That's his name!" I said. I was going to say something else but my words fell short. Electricity suddenly jolted through my body. Bright lights and colors flashed before my eyes. I could see shapes! Hearts! Clouds! Rainbows! Clovers!? Wait a minute! He hooked me up to a box of Lucky Charms!

This went on for several seconds. He must have turned if off because I suddenly felt all of my muscles relax. I looked over and Conrad-Paul-Frank and Dr. Von Hefeweizenstein were giving high fives and chest bumping each other.

"What was that thing?" I asked. Or thought I asked. Apparently, when we reviewed the tape later, my tongue was also relaxed and it came out "Llaenaoib noweaset nboaieh aoithaeen?" Also, since that day, I have never been able to say 'Thrifty Scotsman' five times fast. That used to be my ice breaker when approaching attractive women in grocery stores.

Eventually, I was able to speak again. "What was that thing?" I asked, for reals this time.
"It's my Transmagnifeweizen device!" Dr. Von Hefeweizenstein said.
"Yeah, I remember you saying that. What does it do?"
"It...transmagnifies...the...hurfen...wizzles."
"Sorry?"
"It...stifen...woozles."
".....you don't know what it does, do you?" I said accusingly.
"No!" He said, accused. "I just thought it be cool to see what I could do with a cereal box, some copper wiring, and a small nuclear charge."
"A small what?" I asked, uh, askingly.
"Copper wiring."
"No! The thing about the nuclear charge!"
"Oh! Oh that. Yeah. Nothing major. I just happened to have some uranium lying around and thought, 'what they hay. Probably good for something.' Heh."

Conrad-Paul-Frank chuckled as he loosened the straps from my arms and legs...and head, shoulders, hips and neck.
"We weren't sure what you would do, so we had to secure you pretty well."
"I understand" I said, understandly. I then punched him in the scapula.

It all ended pretty well. I still made it to the dentist for my appointment. No cavities, though he did say that my teeth were extraordinarily white. 'Almost glowing...' were his exact words.

Dr. Von Hefeweizenstein moved back to that country he came from, and tried to market his Transmagnifeweizen device. It sold poorly to the general public, but fascist dictators from all over the world seemed to want one. He made a nice living for himself and then retried to live in...Brazil I think? I don't remember.

Conrad-Paul-Frank moved out of town to start a business of cloning pink flamingos.

Eduardo is still in therapy. My boss still won't talk about what he now refers to as "The Turkey Fiasco". He had to change the name of the previous Turkey Fiasco, to the Butterball Incident, and the previous Butterball Incident to the Thanksgiving Eve Shenanigans.

I went home and invented a cold fusion reactor that fits in my wallet!

Well, until next time...or the time after that.

Carpet...

2009-09-18T10:51:00.001-07:00

3 days my foot...

2009-09-07T12:20:00.001-07:00

"But what about my back muscles?"...

2009-09-04T19:04:00.000-07:00

Thanks Christie!

"Hey, you're back!"...

2009-09-04T18:55:00.001-07:00

Son of a cheesecake!...

2009-08-31T23:07:00.000-07:00

Thanks Andrea!

Accentuate the Futility...

2009-08-30T23:08:00.000-07:00

Thanks Jim!

"Will work for food"...

2009-08-30T19:07:00.000-07:00

Thanks Evan!

S'mores?...

2009-08-23T15:45:00.001-07:00

I miss Fletch...

2009-08-17T09:49:00.001-07:00

Sock Pockets!

2009-08-16T12:14:00.001-07:00

Fish!...

2009-08-11T22:21:00.001-07:00

Sports, a metaphor for life...

2009-08-10T09:08:00.001-07:00

Time Trial...

2009-08-10T01:10:00.001-07:00

Lazy Susan...

2009-05-18T10:45:00.001-07:00

Make yourself comfortable...

2009-04-16T11:35:00.001-07:00

It was a day like any other...

2009-03-22T15:25:00.000-07:00

...except in every way.

My boss finally closed down the Obsolete Computer Manual Store. He blamed the economy, but really it was because it caught fire. So, I had to find a new job. I found one rather quickly. My boss opened up a new store. "Slightly Damaged Obsolete Computer Manual & Charcoal". Business was fair. On Monday I came in to find him sitting on the counter without pants and wearing a sash that said 'Mayor of Funkville'. I started to ask what was going on, but he held up his hand and sent me home early. I decided it was best I didn't know.

I headed down the street. It was a beautiful sunny day. The birds were chirping. The flowers were blooming. The police where trying to catch a pterodactyl that got loose from the zoo. I headed down to Easy Z's, my favorite record store.

Easy Z's was owned by a guy named Ferdinand. He was a nice enough guy. But he had one irritating quirk. He was incredibly nervous about everything.

"Hey Ferdinand, how's it going?"
"Good? Or...should I have said 'Okay'?"
"Um...well. How do you feel?"
"Oh, uh, well, uh, I, erm, I, eh--"
"Never mind. Have any new albums in?"
"We have three...two...three...four...five...three, yeah. Would you like to buy them?"
"Uh, maybe just one."
"Sure. Sure. Do...do I give you money for that? No. I, I take your money. I mean...I don't take your money. It's not like I'm robbing you. Oh my gosh! Did I just rob you!?"
"No! No. You're cool, man. I'm just gonna put the five dollars on the counter..."
"Eeeeeeeep!"
"...I'm picking up the album now."
"I'm scared!"
"Don't be scared, my friend. Don't be scared. Okay, I'm going to leave now. Okay?"

He started crying and hid behind the counter. That's usually how my visits there end.

Usually, I would meet up with Travis and hit the coffee shop. However, Travis moved. He never explained why completely. He just stopped by in the middle of the night a couple weeks ago, handed me a package, said "Don't let them find it" and left. I thought it might be something important, so I put it in my sock drawer.

I decided to go to a Singles Night at the museum. That didn't turn out well, as it was just me and one other guy.

Travis.

"I thought you moved."
"Why would I move?"
"What about that package you gave me? You told me not to 'let them find it'."
"Oh, that. Yeah, no. Those were some girl scout cookies. I was late on some payments for the Tagalongs and they threatened to repo. We got it all sorted out. *sniff* I miss Fluffy."

Fluffy is (er, was I guess) Travis' pet armadillo.

After being chased out of the museum, we decided to call it a day. Travis stopped by to get his girl scout cookies. I finished a dissertation on a parametrized distributed language applied to a scalable logical interface.

Well, until the goose lays a golden egg...

Phobic...

2009-03-15T15:45:00.001-07:00

A recent conversation...

2009-02-23T18:19:00.000-08:00

Based not entirely on a true story...

2009-02-16T11:02:00.000-08:00

Based on a true story...

2009-02-11T22:08:00.001-08:00

Yogurt is awesome...

2009-02-09T20:23:00.001-08:00

Alone...

2009-01-01T18:28:00.001-08:00

lies...

2008-12-19T17:17:00.001-08:00

Taxes...

2008-12-15T19:16:00.001-08:00

driver...

2008-11-19T18:11:00.000-08:00

Sliced Bread...

2008-10-30T19:05:00.001-07:00

Decisions to make...

2008-10-17T19:33:00.001-07:00

son of a...

2008-09-25T20:52:00.001-07:00

No Filter...

2008-09-05T19:24:00.001-07:00

Scout Meetings...

2008-07-09T22:03:00.001-07:00

negative space...

2008-06-15T14:46:00.000-07:00

It's an art thing.

It doesn't seem fair...

2008-06-09T21:21:00.000-07:00

I'm quite proud of that question mark in the first panel. It has a really nice curve to it.

An observation...

2008-06-08T13:04:00.000-07:00

subtext?

2008-05-23T23:08:00.001-07:00

Buddies...

2008-05-23T09:07:00.000-07:00

The subtext is what really carries the message.

Pick-up Lines...

2008-05-22T22:41:00.000-07:00

This deserves some explanation. I've been wanting to do something different with the comics. I have a love/hate relationship with stick figures.

As far as the content. I sometimes think it would be cool to have a robot assistant. This assistant would not only take care of menial tasks, such as dishes and laundry, but give advice on how to get members of the opposite sex to go out with you. This would require him to be more savvy and have more charisma than you, which would lead to a myriad of emotional issues.

Taken...

2008-05-15T22:27:00.001-07:00

Equilibrium...

2008-05-02T09:13:00.000-07:00

10 Points...

2008-04-24T23:22:00.000-07:00

If I remember correctly...don't count on it...empathy was worth 10 points towards our total score on a QA (Quality Assurance, which was how "customer friendly" you were on the call). So if you didn't say "I do apologize" at all (or soon enough...???) you got marked down. I got marked down a lot on empathy.

Straws!...

2008-04-14T21:25:00.000-07:00

A quick explanation. During my tenure with the aforementioned anonymous toy company, we had a summer movie tie in promotion. If you bought tickets to see the movie, you got a card with a "randomly selected" number on it. We, customer service peoples, were given hand-outs that listed what prize certain numbers could win.

One of those prizes? A pack of straws.

While I never actually had anyone win anything, I really wanted someone to get those straws.

Perspective...

2008-04-10T22:36:00.000-07:00

When I was taking calls for a major toy retailer we actually "ruined" many lives by not finding car seats that matched high chairs or denying returns on purchases made a year ago that "suddenly broke...cheap plastic crap!"

Headphones...

2008-04-02T22:34:00.001-07:00

Future home of...

2008-03-25T22:53:00.000-07:00

Who's Your Daddy!...

2008-03-22T17:07:00.001-07:00

town crier...

2008-03-21T16:16:00.001-07:00

ahoy!...

2008-03-20T20:13:00.001-07:00

Cheese alone...

2008-03-20T20:08:00.001-07:00

vampires drink your milkshake...

2008-03-18T20:32:00.001-07:00

dramatic lighting...

2008-03-17T22:54:00.001-07:00

resistance is futile...

2008-03-16T21:51:00.001-07:00

light my fire...

2008-03-14T09:08:00.001-07:00

I'm not a pyro...I'm a fire enthusiast.

email team...

2008-03-13T20:54:00.001-07:00

email team, originally uploaded by Michael McMullen.

so many choices...

2008-03-11T22:24:00.001-07:00

A little background is in order here. I was listening to the radio at about 2:00 am when this commercial came on. It was a husband and wife talking about how there are just oh so many cleaning products and wouldn't it be super duper if we had one all powerful cleaner that would do the job of all the others.

This is my response to that commercial. If you find this in any way offensive or off-putting, please let me know. It's always been my dream to get hate mail for something. It would mean I've arrived as an artist and social commentator.

system borked...

2008-03-10T20:20:00.001-07:00

You probably would have to have worked in a call center to really appreciate this one.

wired...

2008-03-08T17:57:00.001-08:00

alien...

2008-03-06T23:15:00.001-08:00

alien, originally uploaded by Michael McMullen.

Okay, I lied. Sort of. No, I did. i said I wasn't going to post anymore artwork here. But I couldn't help it. This isn't really DA ready, and I don't want to clutter up my other blog. So here it is. Why am I defending myself to you people*?

This is a drawing I did about a year ago that is now being worked into a larger project. I'm not too happy with the coloring. It looks uneven and flat. That's fine for the project it's getting worked into, but for future projects I'm going to need to hone that skill. It's semi-unfinished still, so be gentle in any criticisms you have.

*note to self: don't patronize readers by referring to them as "you people".

stars...

2008-03-03T20:59:00.001-08:00

stars, originally uploaded by Michael McMullen.

I tried putting some planets in here, but they were mucking it up. I guess it'll stay as is. Full view here.

the ties that bind...

2008-02-29T14:01:00.001-08:00

job description...

2008-02-27T22:15:00.001-08:00

machine from the mist...

2008-02-26T22:52:00.001-08:00

machine from the mist, originally uploaded by Michael McMullen.

Trying out what the new format looks like.

snake bite...

2008-02-24T19:50:00.001-08:00

creation...

2008-02-18T13:57:00.001-08:00

creation...
Originally uploaded by Michael McMullen

I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonders. - Psalm 9:1

You can also view this on my new(ish) deviantArt gallery, where you will be able to view the full size version.

Planet texture from www.cgtextures.com. Everything else was done freehand (with a little help from filters and blending options in Photoshop).
Total time: 2 hrs 15 mins (give or take)